I decided to come back to sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with strangers (and friends!!) on the internet.
I’ve been having major writer’s block… except it’s not real writer’s block… maybe like really intense questioning if I really want my inner thoughts to be online. But I do, kinda, because writing makes me feel like I’m doing something impactful with my life and for now we can leave it at that.
But lo and behold here we are. A lot has changed since I last wrote here. I moved apartments, celebrated two years sober in January, began dating someone, found healthy ways to manage my anxiety, have a better relationship with my body and eating and overall am super happy.
What I have noticed, throughout all of this change, is how important it is to nurture the relationship you have with yourself. There were several days, weeks, months, in the last year where I felt ungrounded and anxious. I knew I was letting myself get carried away in the fun and exciting new parts of my life. The fun I had been working to create for years.
Growing up, I felt an overwhelming anxiety around “fun,” which led to subconsciously punishing myself, making sure I would never have “too much” fun. Fun that I feared would mess up my future, my relationships, etc. if I let myself get carried away in it. This year, with the help of my counselor of course, I gave myself permission to have fun in a real way. I allowed myself to live in my reality instead of in my head.
It was during that time (and now!), I became most grateful for all the years I spent working on my relationship with myself and getting to know how to best take care of myself in a meaningful way. While I was learning to live in the joy I created, I felt safe knowing I was still myself and could recenter with myself, whenever I needed to. It’s because of that deep knowing, I feel the freedom to have fun and not take myself so seriously. I’m sure my counselor would love to tattoo “you can have fun and still figure out what you want to do with your life” to my forehead if she could.
I guess my takeaway is that no matter what is going on in our lives, all we can do is embrace our situation and make the most of wherever we are. There is always something to be learned. If I didn’t spend that time working on my relationship with myself, I don’t think I’d be here (read: celebrating life).