I had a wonderful counseling session a few weeks ago and I want to share a little of what we talked about. It really resonated with me and with others I’ve told so maybe it can help you too!
We talked about the connection between anxiety and self-compassion. Although I’ve been in counseling for years for anxiety, I’ve never heard this approach so clearly and it has really stuck with me in the last few weeks.
My counselor said that our anxiety is trying to help us. It thinks it’s helping us- it feels important and necessary and we reinforce it each time we listen to it and let it control our thoughts and actions. The way to “fix” anxiety is not by trying to ignore it or it push out but rather by allowing it to be there and reframing our thinking with self-compassion.
If we reframe our mindset about anxiety from “I need to get rid of this” to a more compassionate and understanding response, the tension lessons. The constant tension between what anxiety is telling us and the reality of what’s going on, is nearly impossible to navigate when we’re trying to force it away. A significant amount of change in my life was the perfect trigger for me to realize this pattern of fighting and losing to my anxiety was not working.
My counselor said rather than trying to fight anxiety out, we have to make space for it. Since our anxiety feels like it’s helping us, it doubles down when we try to push it out or ignore it. If instead, we use self-compassion to reframe how we respond to anxiety, we can alleviate that tension and feel relieved from it.
For example, my anxiety is really aggressive in the morning, I wake up mad I didn’t wake up earlier – no matter how early I wake up – stressed about how much I have to do and feeling like I need to rush to get everything done. My anxiety thinks it’s being helpful by constantly reminding me of all the things I’m not doing that I should/could be doing. Typically, my approach is to listen to that anxiety. This means rush through my day stressed, feeling guilty for all I’m not doing at any given moment and simultaneously trying to ignore the anxiety that tells me I’ll never amount to the life I want – it’s fun up here let me tell you.
Instead of listening to and acting out that anxiety, I can respond to it and say “I actually don’t need to be worried about that right now but thank you.”
Hear me out – it works.
I know. I’ve resisted the “talk to your anxiety” approach my entire life. It feels unnatural and dumb and like embarrassing and childish?
But what I realized in the last few weeks of practicing this, is that I was talking to my anxiety 24/7, I just didn’t know it. I was telling my anxiety “you’re right” every time I rushed through my day, every time I wasn’t present during a conversation because I was worried about what else I had to do that day, every time I didn’t eat or take care of myself because I was sitting in anxiety, etc., etc.
Changing my approach from trying to ignore and fight my anxiety to acknowledging it and reassuring it with self-compassion and trust, has literally changed the game. I now feel like I have space from my anxiety and it’s not constantly overwhelming and controlling every aspect of my life.
Also, I’ve been in counseling since I was a literal child for anxiety and this is by far the one thing that has helped me most, so I encourage you to at least try it for a little even if it feels silly!!